I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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