I faked an abortion last night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
