Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize