I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
