ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
