if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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