Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
