We won't sleep together?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
