she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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