Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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