i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it hurts more in the daytime
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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