he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
