haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
