I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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