handjob tips. give me some.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
