Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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