Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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