defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize