im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
