I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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