why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
