Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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