if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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