from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
