I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
