I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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