but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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