saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
These tits shall not be calmed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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