tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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