all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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