mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
