Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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