I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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