Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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