I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The uberlube is also flammable
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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