Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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