My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
