I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
