Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
