Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
