im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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