Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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