she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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