I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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