I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
