so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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