I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
