Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
