everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
