I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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