i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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