I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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