His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
