Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
