Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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