I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
