Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
