Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
