Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
