he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
